Every great adventure should have moments of doubt
Isabella Grandić's Newsletter: reflections on adulthood and being a cactus 🌵
I think I've been in that moment for the last four months. I've been transitioning — to adulthood, to a life that diverges from career norms — and it's left me with doubt — am I cut out to carve an unconventional path? Will I find a community I love along the way? I haven't wanted to write an email for this reason — why spread dullness?
But I believe rainy days can be as meaningful as sunny days. That's why I decided to write my newsletter.
It's been an imperfect rainy season, but it's a part of my great adventure I want to grow from 🌧.
Last year, I came into uni (in North Carolina) with the intention of “starting fresh.”
As a kid, I longed for my family to move so I could take my mistakes and start again (at another school, in another town, etc.). It never happened.
Even though when I left for uni, my life was in the best shape it’s been in (good friends, great relationship with my parents, plenty of passions), I had an unfilled itch (that childhood desire to start fresh).
Starting Fresh
As I unpacked my one and only suitcase in my dorm, I marked a new beginning. But in all the novelty, the freshly cleaned whiteboard, and the sunny North Carolina sky, I ignored much of what I knew and learned over the last 18 years.
I thought I’d find liberation in the freedom of moving to a new place. I’d be my life’s boss, with my own money and control over all my decisions.
But I didn’t find liberation in this freedom.
I found a transfer of responsibility.
Instead of reporting to my parents and getting free food and housing from them, I’d report to no one and somehow make food and housing appear.
The “freedom” of adulthood comes with the “shackles” of responsibility. The yin cannot be separated from the yang.
We need the rain and the sun.
I expected something different from adulthood.
From the rain (of disappointed adulthood), I flocked to scrolling
In my era of doubt, I have become more prone to scrolling. It's a consistent dose of something new. It’s easy. It’s comfortable.
Sometimes I sit in public and study people's hands. The way their thumbs endlessly push down to reveal videos, articles, pictures…the thrill of refresh — for notifications, Gmail, Tik Tok. People's fingers go on and on.
And mine, do too. They pay the slot machines with my attention.
But I don’t want my attention sold off like that — yet I still crave the comfort.
How does comfort play into my great adventure?
I have never left my email or Instagram, or YouTube proud.
I have finished a workout and been proud. I have read a novel and been proud. I have studied daily and been proud. I have written a letter to an old friend and been proud. I have built a card game for women's health and been proud.
The infinite consumption of information doesn't leave me proud.
I think my great adventure has to have moments I am proud of to pad the moments of ambiguity. Endless scrolling — endless gossip — endless planning — don’t give me quality comfort in the grand scheme of my adventure.
I have to break down my habit logically:
Why do I do it? I want a way to consume, relax, to have something distract me.
Why? Sometimes I feel lonely and overwhelmed.
Does it make me feel better beyond the moments of consumption? Not really. It satisfies my "monkey mind," (the short-term mind that craves short-term rewards)
Is that what I want? No, because I know I gain happiness (not just satisfaction) from choosing to satisfy my longer-term mind🐒
— I know it's elementary, but stepping back and asking myself these questions has empowered me to better take control of my habits. I can’t control what happens to me (like I can’t control the weather), but I can control how I react.
What does that mean for my self-doubt?
I'm a first-generation Canadian living in America, surrounded by people whose ambitions have routes. In my organic chemistry classes, most want to be physicians or professors, and the best description I can come up with is working on women's health innovation. There's no route to women's health innovation; if there was, it wouldn't be innovation.
I am plenty happy that I have an undefined career and life trajectory. But in a world where I am a cactus in a field of 600-year-old oak trees, I'm in the breeding grounds for doubt.
A cactus among the oak trees is different, spiky and can be easily misunderstood. Sometimes I find it hard to resonate with the community (the oak trees) and to feel comforted when I also feel so different.
I've learned that in pursuing my adventure, I must invest in the foundations that keep me fulfilled. These things energize me to keep combating a path-not-travelled (and all the subsequent ambiguity).
Like traversing through never-before traveled mountains, in a thunderstorm, a bit of warmth and food can push a long way.
Things that ‘fill my cup’ but I’m not doing enough of:
Reading every night and every morning
Exercise
A genuine coffee break with an (old or new) friend (fika, if you will)
Eating energizing food
Meditation
Accountability (a buddy, a spreadsheet, someone who checks in)
There’s knowing, and then there’s doing.
I’m drafting this on my plane home to Toronto. I’m grateful to spend time with people I love, but don’t get to see often. The day after I return, I am hosting a social reset, “clean up our calendars” session. And from there, it’s less scrolling and more downward dog, short-story collections, and fika. I’ll enjoy the rainy season a bit more, and soon, no doubt, the sun will come, and I’ll be able to enjoy that too :)
~Key Points:
In every great adventure, they’ll be moments of doubt as you’re mapping the route. They’re not reasons to turn around; they’re opportunities to remember that what you’re doing is challenging and new 🗺
Even with so much change, a good life will have foundations for you to rely on. What are those foundations right now for you? Who are the people you talk to often, the habits you resort to, the way your mind spins? What do you miss? 🧘♀️
Rainy days can still be good days. Perhaps instead of hanging by the lake, you cuddle and read your book, journal or bake something new. Maybe you decide to go out and dance barefoot in the rain — or bring an umbrella. How we react to the weather is what really determines if we get horribly drenched or wonderfully refreshed. 🌂
… and if you want to know what I have been doing:
While it’s been a season of reflection and tiredness, it’s certainly also been a season of experiences! Here are some highlights from the last ~ six months:
Last weekend I went on a 13.5h (over 50km/31mi) walk across Chapel Hill. I walked to recognize the distance barrier women in rural regions face in getting maternal healthcare. My card game Boob Blurb has been (and will continue to) donate 25% of its proceeds to every mother counts, a 501c3 maternal health organization! UNC’s paper, the Daily Tar Heel, even wrote a story about my walk (read here)!
Speaking of Boob Blurb, one of the highlights of my last few months has been playing the game <3. I am so grateful for all the wonderful conversations and support I’ve received for this project. (Shoutouts to Amelia Larson, Taylor Shinal, Mallie Purvis, Virginie Ruest, Hailey Sani, Elizah Van Lokeren, and Frances Low for the beautiful convos, as per usual)
This summer, I did a public service internship with an environmental non-profit in Minneapolis, Minnesota Interfaith Power and Light. We put together a qualitative research project on how people of faith approach climate action. One of my favourite experiences was taking a trip up the North Shore and interviewing congregational leaders in rural Minnesota about the future of climate justice 🏞 (fun fact: my internship host was the one who inspired the title of this newsletter!!)
I had some phenomenal professors, especially in the chemistry department at UNC! I feel so fortunate to be taught by such passionate chemists. My favourite part is that I can read about biotech with a lot more technical grasp!! It feels rewarding to have that knowledge.
I had the opportunity to speak at a femtech analytics webinar! It was such a stellar group of speakers, and I’m still in disbelief that they wanted me to come along, too ❤️ (watch here if you’re interested)
Experienced two beautiful trips to New York and California. I saw friends old and new. I paid for them out-of-pocket. It was SUCH a treat !!!
Final note: appreciating this stage of life
Embracing my love of learning has been freeing and taxing. Right now, I feel able to follow my curiosity (freeing), but at the same time, there are so many possible things I could do, and that overload of options is taxing.
Right now, the two things I am prioritizing are my curiosity and character. Both very broadly.
Curiosity: reading, studying, and nerdy conversations.
Character: I want to be a great friend, a helpful person, kind and compassionate.
I know it’s not raising money for a startup or trying to be the youngest person in med school, but it’s what feels right. “A good life is not about what it looks like, but what it feels like.” Soon, I’m sure the pieces will align towards some more women’s health innovation (or another problem I fall I want to understand, with all its complexities in mind).
I’ll be pursuing all this in Chapel Hill for the rest of the semester… and then, in January, I’m going to study abroad in Singapore! If you have any recommendations or want to go on a little sunrise walk, let me know! (my email is igrandic03@gmail.com)
Thanks for reading ❤️ Isabella Grandić
(And big thank you to Eric Frankl and Urszula Solarz for editing this newsletter)